Do you feel respected in life? Have sex issues? Addiction problems? Do you feel you can’t express yourself and you have to keep parts of yourself secret? If you answered yes to any of the above, you may be suffering from what Dr Robert A. Glover terms ‘Nice Guy Syndrome’.
In Dr Glover’s 2000 classic No More Mr Nice Guy, the Dr explains a strange phenomenon he’s witnessed in his practice.
Countless men lost between the notion of traditional masculinity and the feminized male – not knowing their exact role in life, and therefore clinging to the notion of the Nice Guy to play it safe.
Nice Guy Syndrome
The Nice Guy, Dr Glover states, doesn’t see or think there’s anything wrong with being ‘nice’.
He ambles on through life not getting the respect he desires, the sex he wants, the job he craves, and is the equivalent of a modern day eunuch, divorced from his internal raw masculine energy.
As long as he is agreeable and doesn’t cause any upset, the nice-guy assumes his life will be without drama and the things he wants will come to him.
How wrong he is.
If this is a core belief of yours, you will probably know well that life is not on your side at all.
Whether you are suffering from a chronic case of Nice Guy Syndrome, or you want to make some tweaks to your character to achieve more benefits, rewards and satisfaction from life, acknowledging your inner Nice Guy can surely help you on that path.
Dr Glover defines the nice-guy in the following traits:
- They care-take others
- They seek approval from others
- They avoid conflict
- They hide their flaws and mistakes
- They repress internal feelings
- They relate to women more than men
What’s Wrong With Being Nice?
Put simply, there’s not anything wrong with being friendly, the problem occurs when a nice-guy constructs his whole personality on inoffensiveness and amiability over courage and ambition.
The problem we see in the above traits is that nice-guy men cannot present themselves with authority in the demanding external world of relationships, work and friendships with other men.
Nice guys are simply too meek to express themselves fully, and thereby find themselves losing out and getting walked upon.
Such behaviour causes workmates to lose respect for them, friends to value them and women to get turned off by their soft and submissive behaviour.
This social rejection leads nice-guys to become resentful.
Resentment is a dangerous and extremely destructive state of being and leads nice guys to actually secretly behave in ways that are not so nice at all.
At this stage, nice guys begin to develop the following traits to avoid confrontation in an attempt to fulfill the desires they cannot be honest about:
- Controlling others
- Addictive behaviours
- Lack of boundaries
Dr Glover also points out it is common for nice guys to suffer from sexual problems.
Such problems include E.D., compulsive masturbation, heavy porn use, premature ejaculation and a lack of intimacy with sexual partners.
Through the toxic combination of resentment at not fulfilling themselves as men in friendships, work and sexual relationships and an internal core belief that being a nice guy will get them what they want, the nice guy is prey to misery and depression.
His fear of confrontation and self-reliance hammers his sense of independence, as his resentment at being kind and getting a punch-in-the-face from life back whittles away at his patience.
Lest our nice guy fall into extreme pain and even dreams of revenge against life, he must take action to fulfill his potential and straighten out his life.
Dr Glover assures us that there is most certainly a way.
The Solution: The Integrated Male
“Nice guys tend to be very black and white in their thinking. The only alternative they can see to being nice is becoming ‘bastards’ or ‘jerks’.”
Glover hits the nail on the head here.
This is something I have written about in detail as it is so important for the modern man.
Just as being a man in the post millennium doesn’t involve the post-war style repression of emotion and fear of his creative side, nor does it mean we must jump to the other extreme and be purely emotional and disorderly.
Dr Glover writes: “Being integrated means being able to accept all aspects of one’s self.
“An integrated man is able to embrace everything that makes him unique: his power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion as well as his imperfections, his mistakes, his dark side.”
An actionable model you can follow to achieve integrated status is by aiming to achieve the following personal qualities:
- A strong sense of self
- Willingness to take responsibility
- Comfortable and honest with sexual needs/desires
- Doing what is right over what is easy or popular
- Clear about needs and desires
- Nurturing without solving others problems
- Sets boundaries in line with personal values
In order to help you in this task, the following reading will be of use: