Shortly before my 31st birthday, I created Colossal Insights. Shortly after my 30th birthday, I awoke in a state of utter panic, despair and terror.
Weeks of hard drinking and drug use rattled through my body.
I hadn’t allowed myself to get sober for as long as I could remember for fear of seizures, so desperately I scrambled around for any leftover gin from the prior night’s binge in order to steady my nerves and relieve me from the torture of alcoholic withdrawal.
My heart beat against my ribcage as my head began to spin in terror as an alarm sounded deep in my very consciousness.
I knew the DT’s were close – I knew I must to get some alcohol into my system lest I crash into chaos.
I located some gin under my bed and began to glug at the bottle, deeply grateful for the sanctuary it would offer me, however short.
Yet my body had been hammered and would not accept any more alcohol, I soon began to vomit bile on drinking the gin and fell further into confusion, battling with my stomach; drinking and being sick until I eventually got enough alcohol down for it to enter my system and still my electric nervous system.
Eventually, I succeeded in keeping the alcohol down, yet I was tired and in deep despair. At that time I reasoned suicide was the only way out of this cycle of decay I was in.
Despite holding off the sickness, I’d battled hard enough now with withdrawal, I was tired of the process and I was beaten.
Once I had one drink, I could not stop until drunkenness. It is just like that for me.
The same goes for drugs, porn, sex, exercise, and so on ad infinitum… Something in my nature clicks on an engine deep inside me when I encounter substances and behaviours others find merely pleasurable.
Pleasure was never enough for me, I always wanted heaven.
And I could find heaven for a few moments on the right high, if I timed it right. Yet it would always turn to a hell of horrifying withdrawals, pounding existential regret, persistent guilt and heavy shame and, ultimately, substance dependence to remove the pain.
Further to this propensity for extreme abuse of drink, drugs and sex, I was deeply addicted to another human being, or perhaps addicted to ‘love’ itself.
I didn’t want to consider life if I could not be with an ex-girlfriend, despite infidelity on both our parts, obsession and the brainwashing effects of addiction meant she was the truest desire I knew.
I’d worked hard and achieved in my career in London, yet my obsession with being in utter control at work had led ruin to my spiritual and social life. Such things seemed irrelevant to me.
Hammered by latent memories of an abusive childhood, I viewed myself as deeply separate from the world, a victim of a wicked hand.
My brother was a drug addict and had committed suicide. When this happened, I was affected little due to my pounding resentment towards his physical abuse of me growing up, and continued attacks on my family.
Yet there I was, prepared to join him.
That you are reading this it is evident I didn’t kill myself that day.
I didn’t suffer the fate of my brother and many others in the deep grips of addiction.
In fact, I ended up in rehab where I was detoxed and began a journey of spiritual learning, emotional freedom from the past and of unequivocal commitment to a profound sense of inner growth that has not only saved my life, but re-energised my soul into a world of intense beauty as I grow as a man.
This is why I founded Colossal Insights.
It is my life and my passion to see myself and others not just avoid the hell from which they may have come from, but to work on becoming the optimum version of themselves, ever learning and developing along a path of strength, peace and true power, on a quest to get deeply in touch with your soul.
Colossal Insights delves into the work of the greatest writers, psychologists, spiritual masters and philosophers to attain the wisdom of strong, balanced living for men in recovery.
In an age of victim-hood and offence-taking, Colossal Insights works to reestablish the noble, stoic masculine core so often lost in the ravages of addiction, with its boundary-less passivity and savage impulsiveness to create a healthy model of a modern man, who is never a victim to his past, needy behaviour or the oblivion of substance abuse.